Could these be the World's Oldest Lies?

[Alex Suter]

PLS P0ST MORE LIBRARIAN PR0N THX.

I sat in the reading chair facing the checkout desk
at my local library again. She sat at the desk, a
volunteer librarian that lived in the apartment block
down the street. Catching my stare out of the corner
of her eye, she smiled into her book.

I walked over, grabbing something off the shelf on my
way.

"I'd like to check this out, please," I said, placing
the book the desk while admiring her eyes. They were
so dark and inviting. Her smile remained, then broadened
as she read the title on the spine.

"The Lobster Kama-Sutra, not much of a story, but
wonderful pictures," her voice bubbled up, smart and
confident, "You really need to be a lobster to truly
enjoy it."

"I am a lobster," I replied, "so I'm ready for," I
flipped through the book, and stopped on a page at
random, "the double gill up-current cross fertilization."

Her breath caught as she stared up into my eyes. She
looked down and said, "I am a lobster too."

I took her hand, "I know. I've been watching you."

Holding her hand, I led her back to a study desk in
the back section of the library where she let me
fertlize some of her eggs. They'll travel on her
tail for a while, and then become larva. Hopefully
some of them will grow to be large lobsters like us
both, but we'll all pretty much lose interest by
then.

--
Alex Suter
***@cs.stanford.edu
Animalia Arthopoda Crustacea Decapoda Macrura reptantia
Nephrodidae Hamarus americanus awww yeah.

[Rich Holmes]

Post by Alex Suter

PLS P0ST MORE LIBRARIAN PR0N THX.

I sat in the reading chair facing the checkout desk
at my local library again. She sat at the desk, a
volunteer librarian that lived in the apartment block
down the street. Catching my stare out of the corner
of her eye, she smiled into her book.
I walked over, grabbing something off the shelf on my
way.
"I'd like to check this out, please," I said, placing
the book the desk while admiring her eyes. They were
so dark and inviting. Her smile remained, then broadened
as she read the title on the spine.
"The Lobster Kama-Sutra, not much of a story, but
wonderful pictures," her voice bubbled up, smart and
confident, "You really need to be a lobster to truly
enjoy it."
"I am a lobster," I replied, "so I'm ready for," I
flipped through the book, and stopped on a page at
random, "the double gill up-current cross fertilization."
Her breath caught as she stared up into my eyes. She
looked down and said, "I am a lobster too."
I took her hand, "I know. I've been watching you."
Holding her hand, I led her back to a study desk in
the back section of the library where she let me
fertlize some of her eggs. They'll travel on her
tail for a while, and then become larva. Hopefully
some of them will grow to be large lobsters like us
both, but we'll all pretty much lose interest by
then.
--
Alex Suter
Animalia Arthopoda Crustacea Decapoda Macrura reptantia
Nephrodidae Hamarus americanus awww yeah.

Dayumn. Still has his chops.

[Eb Oesch]

In article <ddeten$kfq$***@xenon.Stanford.EDU>, ***@xenon.Stanford.EDU
says...
[touching story elided]

The Onliest Perverts in Heaven

Beth had always been too nervous to start a relationship. She was
young, pretty. What did she have to offer a corpse? Until now.
Finally she was one of them. And her shyness had been rewarded at the
gates of Saint Peter. Her shyness had kept her pure.

So far. Now, her biological clock was in overtime, yet when she looked
-- if that's the word for how souls perceive each other -- at the other
souls, they didn't even seem to be in the game. She thought she could
handle it if the first ones she met didn't show a physical connection to
her, but they didn't even show a physical connection to themselves. She
had an idea that they could and did talk to each other, but their talk
was so dry, they were so dry themselves, that she felt she couldn't get
close enough to them to hear unless she let go of the most important
thing she ever knew, even though she didn't have it yet.

Of course it was too early to draw conclusions -- she hadn't been dead
more than five minutes yet. Just five minutes, but then there would be
another five, and another... was there nothing here for her, forever?
How long would her charms last? Panic filled the parts of her mind
where judgment normally went. Watch out, she told herself, or you'll
blow it. She could stay calm -- no, she couldn't, but she could pretend
to stay calm -- for a little while, and hope something good happened to
her fast, because she was in no state to make anything good happen on
her own. Or

"Fuck me! Oh God, somebody please! Fuck me fuck me fuck me!" she
yelled.

The souls heard her. They crowded around. She could hardly hear or see
them, but there was -- they weren't going to fuck her. She could tell.
And that just made it worse.

But there was something soothing about them. They wanted to help, in
their insubstantial way. Of course she had embarrassed herself for
eternity. They probably thought she was a spiritual retard. Now see,
they're right. They wouldn't think that way. They probably just think
there's a soul in need of comfort. Because she's a spiritual retard.
But they wouldn't think that way.

They would help her past it. She was getting more in tune with them.
Maybe she could learn. Maybe she could learn to appreciate paradise.

A man asked, "Is something wrong?" No, not a man. A spirit. But a
spirit that when she looked at it, she saw through the other souls and
saw the grave.

A fresh grave. With a brown-haired man in it. Thirtysomething.